I’ll be honest with you, like I always am. A lot, as always, has been going on. In the space of about a year, (oh my god! Has it really been that long?!) I have learnt so much about life, grown up so much, adjusted, learnt lessons, felt things I never did before and I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what, life is good.
There are days when I’d love nothing more to just not wake up and not do anything or think anything, simply not exist – yet I wake up every single day and do a large variety of things, as opposed to sleeping in. Often times I surprise myself, looking back I really wonder if it really was me that did that.I believe I’ve actually come to that point in my life where I am happy with me!
I am the person I’ve worked so hard to be. I have a lot of the things I wanted, by the time I turned twenty. And though I am still going through that dip in life where I see no hope of going up, I’ve accustomed myself to it. And I don’t care if things don’t go better, that’s okay. I am happy now. The root cause is I tried so very hard to fit in with a crowd around me, one that never got me.
I’ve been labeled different right from first sight. I accepted it, sometimes I crave it, now it doesn’t matter. I’m moving up – from different to better. Because I am surviving the shit being thrown at me. Why? Because I can. That’s what I am made of. I can take it. Can you? Ever?
Sometimes the hardest thing is to let go. I let go of my idea of how life should be, I let go of my control-freak attitude towards life, I let go of trying to be something I am not. I am impulsive. I love cooking and eating. You know what, if I didn’t study for tomorrow’s exam, and that effs up my future at Princeton , well so be it. I am glad I spent this time on discovering myself because I’d rather spend time first on me, then on others. And if Princeton doesn’t feel that way about me, well then I guess I don’t feel that way about it either.
I’ve dreamed of making my career out of cooking – what happened to that, I mean besides the part where I would suck at it?! At one time I was so confident I’d be a writer, I started the habit of having interviews with myself, when a book of mine sold, and more often, when it didn’t.I was so ready to experience life, and somewhere I forgot that all.
So I’m going to break my tradition of always making my blogs seem neutral and kind of one-sided, and ask you, reader, what is it that you wanted to be? Don’t give me that pilot, scientist, astronaut thing, think of your most wildest fantasy! I’ll be honest, at one point I wanted to housekeep because I loved the idea of looking after a beautiful house, cooking for people I care about and participate in other people’s lives! Another time I wanted to be a cop – possibly because I watched Miss Congeniality. Strangely enough, I did not want to enter a beauty pageant.
I still imagine myself as a famous celebrity at times, talking to myself out loud and explaining a situation. Does that make me conceited? I don’t care. It helps me sort out my problem and for that moment, it makes me feel special and important. That’s all that matters.Don’t ever forget the craziest idea for your future, it’s probably one that’ll make you the happiest, even if it is just the thought that does it. The thought that I wanted to be a rock star makes me happy now, because I know if its not that dream, then I am living out another.
If your job, family or friends sap out the fun of a situation, don’t let them sap the fun out of life. I am out looking at the bleakest future, one that I could never imagine – but here’s the thing. I can now move forward knowing I did what I could. Things just didn’t work out. I gave it my shot, and guess what, that just wasn’t the thing for me.
I hate to be clichéd but it is a fact – I regret no incidents, just people. I have met very few people in my life whom I’ve actually cared about. If you’re reading this and we’ve met, then you’re probably one of them (not likely anyone else would come across this, ey? :) ).
Music is back in my life. My biggest joy-bringer has come back. I’m reading again and hey, I’ve written this so I guess I am kinda back into the writing! And of course, many of you may know, I'm finally in love! There is absolutely nothing greater than the feeling! :)
Tomorrow when I cuss, when I regret getting out of my bed, I will re-read this. In the moment there is nothing I am truly thankful for, but in my life, I am thankful for my experiences, memories and most of all people both good and bad. I would not be who I am without the three.
My life is about being me. Happy me, sad me, excited me, disappointed me, crazy me, serious me – ME! And I will do as I please. As long as I keep myself and those I care about happy, what else matters, right? And if that means I become a world famous actress in the process, well so be it! :)
