J & L

Jessica
Earrings, fake diamond (small party), but sophisticated looking - Rs. 250/-
Bracelet to keep the image of feminineness - Rs. 500/-
Matching necklace - Rs. 2000/-
Hairdo (just basic touch-ups) - Rs. 2000/-
Perfume (quintessential) - Rs. 700/-
Make up, essential, branded - Rs. 5000/-
Shoes, branded, out last month - Rs. 3000/-
Manicure, pedicure, facial at the last minute - Rs. 3000/-
Dress/Saree the right shade to compliment the iris color - Rs. 30,000/-
Matching purse/bag - Rs. 7000/-
Attention when making an entrance into the hall - 400 souls.
That first impression of looking like a goddess - Priceless


Then she opens her mouth to engage in a conversation.
"Jess, you look absolutely beautiful!"
"Thanks"
"Where did you get that outfit?!"
"This old thing? It was just lying in my closet, and I thought it could use a night out"
"You thought right"
"Thank you!"
"Anyway I was just saying to Tina, don't you think all these changes in the education system are screwing up the country?!"
"Hm..."
"I just think that we're losing sight of the whole point"
"Yeah..."
"Seems like a horrible idea, whoever thought of it"
"Sure..."


Time the impression of a goddess lasted - 2.35 minutes.


Liza
Shirt, half price at a sale - Rs. 150/-
Jeans, after purchase of three sister shirts - Free
Lip balm for dry lips - Rs. 30/-
Shoes, borrowed from a friend - Free
Purse in jean pocket, bought in a reduced-price-for-two scheme - Rs. 50/-
Attention when making an entrance - would rather pay to not get this.
That first impression of "what the...?!" - Priceless


Then I open my mouth and engage in a conversation.
"Liz, come on man, this is a party, you look embarrassing!"
"I forgot to do my laundry, okay?! Lay off!"
"This is a party! No harsh talk! So tell us Liz, what do you think about the new law concerning primary and secondary education at school level?"
"What law?"
"Didn't you read the news paper?"
"Sorry, no, I've been busy with my experiments"
"Oh yeah, how are you doing on that front"
"Quite good actually. I've made a lot of progress. Wanna hear about it?"
"Of course! Fill us in!"
"Well basically..."


Time the impression lasted - 1.25 minutes.

A New Start

Do I live for the present? No, no I don't because if I did, I'd have nothing to live for.

There are many things I want to do in my life and yes, even with my life. But this new phase that's suddenly taken over these past few months (for nearly a year now, in fact) held nothing but bad news for me.
Or so I thought.

The life I had before was nothing short of glamorous. Its the kind of life you can never dream of having - the one where you are the star of everything. At first it was just a coincidence, then it was nothing more than luck, but pretty soon it consumed me and made me believe I was just that - a star. A top-ranker who keeps her parents happy, makes her teachers proud and above all, does as she is told and seems perfectly happy in the process. Sure, that image was no walk in the park for me, but honestly, it wasn't that hard either.

Then comes that one day and that one person, (be it your new friend, old friend, enemy, family member, a fictional character in a book or on T.V), and they remind you what life is really about.
They remind you what you've forgotten and/or buried deep inside of you, at the back of your mind - that you have feelings too and that you have but *one* life to lead, for yourself.

See, while it is a very noble thing to live life for others and forsake your happiness and dreams for someone else - one thing no one seems to mention is that not everyone is like that. So today if you are doing everything to make everyone around you happy, who's making you happy?

It took me over twenty years and a whole lotta hurt but I think I may have figured out the way I'd like to live my life.
Nobody out there is living for me and yet here I am living for someone else. Clearly, there is (if you must) a cosmic imbalance.
So today on I am ready to take that leap and live for MYSELF - to make ME happy. And this I will do, but *NOT* at the cost of others.

I turned twenty a few months ago but it just hit me a week back. I am no longer a teenager, that chapter in my life is done and over, its officially closed. And the sad part is, I have nothing to show for it. No wild or brash decisions, no following my heart over my head and definitely no wacky memories to reminisce over and smile.
All I have memories of is trying to grow up too fast, trying to learn from everybody's mistakes and everything that goes on around me so that I could grow up to be just who I plan on being. So I really did sacrifice my present for the future, like everyone told me to. And guess what, its too late. Too late to lose my head, do some thing crazy just to blame it on my age. Too late to bask in a life of absolutely no responsibilities. Too late to live a life of pure, unadulterated freedom.
Too late to be a kid.

So this is me saying I'll never repeat that mistake. I will live for both the present and  the future. I will care about both me and those who are worth it (and deserve it). I never got to live - that is my biggest regret. But at least I made my parents happy. That is my only consolation, my saving grace.

Now that my focus shifted onto me, funny things keep happening. One by one, everything I ever really wanted,  I am getting. Things I never knew could me so much to me... well, they do!
I held a curtain between my thumb and index finger today. Its a stormy day and the wind battled back and forth trying to rip that curtain out of my hands. And that simple situation was like entering heaven.

It is hard to explain, but let me try. I'd taken some time out, finally, to appreciate the things I love - like the rain, the storms, wind and mostly nature, in this case. Suddenly, I was making myself happy - and there is no way to explain how that feels like.

You see, I'm kinda running low on time, then again isn't everybody? Who knows what will happen and when it will happen. If I had a time machine, who knows what kind of a person I'll end up being. But, sadly, I don't own one, nor am I some kind of an oracle. All I do know is, I have two-decades of experience of loneliness.I could write a book on how to get lost, whether in a silence, or in a crowd.

But all that's going to change. It has to. Yes, no man is an island, and I'd be stupid just to live for myself. As I always say, "Even in mathematics, 'i' is imaginary". That is why, I repeat, I will live for both my happiness and those who I think deserve my time and effort.

A lot of things go wrong in life, but its up to you to decide whether that is for the better or for the worse.
I am no longer a university topper ranker, I am no longer the most popular kid and I am most certainly not the apple of my grandmother's eye. Those days have passed.
But I can can really make my parents laugh anytime I want and I can play along with all my new, less-than-fortunate friends at the orphanage every Sunday. I can sing a mean Beatles song and I'm still experimenting in the kitchen. I'm in love for the first time in my life and its nothing like I imagined it to be, thank god! I have very high and ambitious goals of what I want to be and I know I suck at video games.

I don't win very often in games of chance but, never again will I lose as badly, as I have done so in my past, in the game of life. Because all it takes to win, is being happy.